Do you ever wonder what Voldemort’s dick looks like? I know I do. Thankfully, the world is a place which containsDick Code– a neat little onlinethingyoriginally intended to facilitate the sending of accurate genital diagrams with minimal risk of the sender’s “dick ending up on Tumblr”. Secondary to this noble purpose (and for those whose dicks arealready onTumblr) Dick Code can also be used to construct illustrations of all manner of fantasy phalluses. Here, then, are my informed interpretations of the genitals of some of the most evil guys in modern literature.
Professor Moriarty
The Sherlock Holmes Stories by Arthur Conan Doyle
Extremely tall and thin, with a sinister leftleaning curve. For some reason I imagine Moriarty as hairless (he has a definite lizardlike feel about him) and uncannily squashy, a bit like an overripe avocado (AKA every avocado ever). I’ve given him a slender, pensive head and small but efficient balls. He’s a definite leaker. Overall, Moriarty’s is a fastidious yet ineffective dick. And so is his penis.
Voldemort
The Harry Potter Books by JK Rowling
Not evenGoblet of Firehad anything to say about He Who Must Not Be Named’s junk, but it’s safe to assume that – like everything about him – it is smooth, sinuous, and snakelike. I picture midsize but quite dangly balls and an extremely brief but high pressure ejaculation – the kind that could strike you dead from across a room unless someone who loved you very much threw themselves in the way.
Anton Chigurh
No Country for Old Menby Cormac McCarthy
Perhaps it’s the fact that he uses a bolt gun as his weapon of choice, but what comes to mind when thinking of Cormac McCarthy’s ruthless hitman is this: short and squat. Like a cannon. Probably quite leathery too. I imagine him as more or less immune to orgasm, what with him being a remorseless killing machine who cares about nothing and nobody. Midsize balls.
Randall Flagg
The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King
Randall Flagg, for me, is characterised by his balls. Huge, flapping, engorged, oldman testicles – absurdly large, and probably swinging merrily back and forth between his legs as he nudges the world towards a state of chaos and mass destruction. The dick itself is more or less an afterthought, although obviously it’s probably ludicrously veiny and about as hairy as a woolly mammoth on a cold day.
Count Dracula
Draculaby Bram Stoker
I’m no stranger to vampire dick, and the erstwhile Count’s is probably the most famous vampire dick of all time. The book describes him variously as “pointy”, “angular” and “aquiline”, which leads me to guess that his dick is so sharp you could poke your eye out with it. I also imagine it as pale enough to be translucent, hairless and supernaturally long. Oh, and he probably comes an absolutelyabsurdamount. You know what the aristocracy are like.
Sauron
The Lord Of The Rings Books by JRR Tolkien
For most of the main trilogy it’s unclear whether Sauron has much of a physical form to speak of. Whatever he did have in the way of a bod, I like to imagine that it came with an absolute cocktailsausage of a cock. What else would drive a man to try and conquer Middle Earth? He probably never got laid all that much, but when he did I’m willing to bet it was… messy, to say the least.
